Post by pinkie on Oct 5, 2007 5:20:03 GMT -5
So, here it is, my very very very first angst fic! Well, at least i think it is angst.
This fic wasn't difficult to write, but it was a difficult desicion to put it on here. That is why you will only find it on the Charming Roots board and not on ff.net. Because i trust you guys.
Anyways, on with the show!
Disclaimer: again, the main characters aren't mine, but the rest is - i don't think JK would ever write anything like this...
Painful dreams
“ Isn't she precious, Fil?” Pomona said, gazing at little Caitriona Dumbledore who had fallen asleep in her lap. She couldn't get over the helpless perfection of a five day old baby. She brushed her lips over the girl's soft little hairs.
“Being born is tough business...” she whispered.
“Try giving birth!” Minerva McGonagall said from the bed, not at all meaning it, according to her chuckle.
Pomona only showed a little smile. ' if only i would be given the chance...' she thought.
Filius had been silent all the time she had been sitting with Caitriona in her arms, something she had expected, but it disappointed her nonetheless. He had hardly looked at her all through the visit and had only talked to Albus and when Albus had to leave, he had looked very uncomfortable. He now stood up from his seat and said:
“Isn't it time for us to go, Pommie? I have lessons to plan for the coming week and i suppose you do too.” His voice was as normal as ever, but it cut through Pomona. She sighed, nodded and carefully got up from her deep, soft chair. She handed the baby to her mother and she kissed Minerva.
“If you need any help at all, you will let me know, won't you?” she said, trying to sound chipper.
“Thank you, you know, i might just do that.” Minerva winked at her friend.
In their chambers, Filius sat at his desk and worked steadily. Pomona had taken her favorite place on the sofa after changing into a sweater and sweatpants. She was reading a Jane Austen novel and sighed at the romantic phrases. Her lessons had been planned long in advance. Plants and brushes were very different from the 'normal' lessons Filius taught. Ever since they had returned, they hadn't said a word. Pomona felt cold and lonely.
“I am going to bed.” she announced and left the room, not waiting for Filius' answer. In the bedroom she undressed and put on a flanel pair of pajamas. Normally she slept in not much more than her knickers, but she couldn't bare the thought of feeling Filius against her skin. She brushed her teeth and tried to fight back the tears.
In her warm bed, she stared atthe ceiling, she had turned off the lights and the curtains were drawn. The room was dark and she couldn't see much.
When Filius came in, she pretended to sleep. she could hear him carefully undress and use the bathrroom. When he crept next to her, he didn't touch her. It didn't take long beffore she heard his steady breathing and soft snores.
Pomona's mind was on Caitriona. Well, more a sort of Caitriona. She had wanted a child for so long. This thought of starting a family was slowly starting to drive them apart. Her heart almost ached for a child of her own, a perfect representation of her love for Filius, and his love for her. But Filius had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't ready.
He liked the idea of running off to Paris at a second's notice, he loved going out on Friday night and not returning until three in the morning. He liked to be able to make love to Pomona any moment of the day without having to think about anything at all.
Pomona understood this. She shared his thoughts on one side. She liked to sleep in on Sunday. She enjoyed watching films with the girls and not thinking about being home on time to nurse. She liked to go out with Filius on his surprise trips to Rome, Barcelona, Vienna.
Still, there was a void in her heart. Loving Filius alone was not enough. She almost burst with love and she couldn't help but feeling jealous of Minerva for being able to transfer all this love to a helpless, child.
Filius also said that Hogwart wasn't the place to raise a child. That they didn't have a lot of money. That being just the two of them was something to cherish.
Again all reasons that sounded very appropriate to Pomona. She did indeed cherish the love between her and Filius, the time they shared, just being together was enough most of the time.
The money was not an issue. They both had made money and Pomona had even started to save a special amount of money in case she would fall pregnant.
She never thought of getting pregnant without Filius blessings. Perhaps it was old fashioned, but she felt that a child needs a father and mother and preferably wanted by both. It was the only honorable way. Her honor now made her ache.
She had often talked to Filius, who had always told her that one day it would happen and that one day they would both feel what she already felt. He told her that he felt it as the greatest compliment given to a man to be told his wife wanted to give birth to his children.
Pomona often felt that if they had lived in different times, she would already have a decent amount of children. Saying that to Filius only made him laugh and say: “Thank you Poppy!”
Tears were streaming down Pomona's face, trickling on the pillowcase. She tried to cry silently as she kept on thinking: perhaps he doesn't love me, the way i love him. This is certainly possible. I love him so much, i can't bare the thought of ever losing him.
She turned to her side and looked at Filius sleeping form. the covers had slipped off his back and she pulled them back up. It was cold in the room, she had opened the window before closing the curtains.
She stroked his hair.
“ I love you...” she whispered unaudilby.
Again she turned to her back. The room wasn't as dark anymore. Her eyes were getting used to the minimum of light. She thought about the ideas she had about the nursery. About the names she had been thinking of. How she was going to tell the news to her parents. How they were going to break the news to his parents.
Pomona knew her own parents would be happy, in their own quiet way. They already had grandchildren. Pomona's two younger sisters had already started their families, as had her older brother. There was a whole clan of little Sprouts. Pomona's father had constructed a living tree to gain branches and leaves as the family expanded. Pomona only had a branch that intertwined with Filius. There were no leaves on it. It looked as lonely as she often felt.
Filius parents did't have any grandchildren. Their three boys were far apart in age and Filius was the eldest. Pomona could only imagine the face of her mother in law when she would tell her that she was expecting.
Pomona's eyes were starting to sting and her face felt sore from the salt that was drying. Suddenly, there was Filius hand on her curls.
“ Are you alright, sweetie?” he asked, his voice calm and quiet.
“ Hmm hmm.” she couldn't speak.
“ Because of the baby?” he sounded concerned.
“ You know me well...”
“ Of course i do. I am in love with you.” Filius slid against the flanel.
“You were so quiet when we were visiting Minerva, i was afraid you were angry.” Pomona turned her face towards Filius. The tears that had stained her face clearly visible in the dim light that was shining through the curtains. The moring was creeping up on them.
“I was contemplating fatherhood.” Filius responded and with his thumb he rubbed Pomona's cheek.
“Anything conclusive?” Pomona tried to sound light.
“No. But you can rest assured that the day you have been praying for is coming closer every day. You will make a fantastic mother to our children. Not this year. But after that... Who knows?”
This was the first time Filius had given any sort of timeframe. Pomona tried not to be too happy and laid her head on his chest. His heart was beating its steady pace.
“Try to sleep, darling. Try not to think about it anymore.” Filius stroked her arm.
“ I will keep you safe. I will always be with you. Try not to worry...”
His words lulled her into a deep, dreamless sleep. Her last coherent thought was about herself and Filius, looking at two young children running around the garden of their summer cottage.
This fic wasn't difficult to write, but it was a difficult desicion to put it on here. That is why you will only find it on the Charming Roots board and not on ff.net. Because i trust you guys.
Anyways, on with the show!
Disclaimer: again, the main characters aren't mine, but the rest is - i don't think JK would ever write anything like this...
Painful dreams
“ Isn't she precious, Fil?” Pomona said, gazing at little Caitriona Dumbledore who had fallen asleep in her lap. She couldn't get over the helpless perfection of a five day old baby. She brushed her lips over the girl's soft little hairs.
“Being born is tough business...” she whispered.
“Try giving birth!” Minerva McGonagall said from the bed, not at all meaning it, according to her chuckle.
Pomona only showed a little smile. ' if only i would be given the chance...' she thought.
Filius had been silent all the time she had been sitting with Caitriona in her arms, something she had expected, but it disappointed her nonetheless. He had hardly looked at her all through the visit and had only talked to Albus and when Albus had to leave, he had looked very uncomfortable. He now stood up from his seat and said:
“Isn't it time for us to go, Pommie? I have lessons to plan for the coming week and i suppose you do too.” His voice was as normal as ever, but it cut through Pomona. She sighed, nodded and carefully got up from her deep, soft chair. She handed the baby to her mother and she kissed Minerva.
“If you need any help at all, you will let me know, won't you?” she said, trying to sound chipper.
“Thank you, you know, i might just do that.” Minerva winked at her friend.
In their chambers, Filius sat at his desk and worked steadily. Pomona had taken her favorite place on the sofa after changing into a sweater and sweatpants. She was reading a Jane Austen novel and sighed at the romantic phrases. Her lessons had been planned long in advance. Plants and brushes were very different from the 'normal' lessons Filius taught. Ever since they had returned, they hadn't said a word. Pomona felt cold and lonely.
“I am going to bed.” she announced and left the room, not waiting for Filius' answer. In the bedroom she undressed and put on a flanel pair of pajamas. Normally she slept in not much more than her knickers, but she couldn't bare the thought of feeling Filius against her skin. She brushed her teeth and tried to fight back the tears.
In her warm bed, she stared atthe ceiling, she had turned off the lights and the curtains were drawn. The room was dark and she couldn't see much.
When Filius came in, she pretended to sleep. she could hear him carefully undress and use the bathrroom. When he crept next to her, he didn't touch her. It didn't take long beffore she heard his steady breathing and soft snores.
Pomona's mind was on Caitriona. Well, more a sort of Caitriona. She had wanted a child for so long. This thought of starting a family was slowly starting to drive them apart. Her heart almost ached for a child of her own, a perfect representation of her love for Filius, and his love for her. But Filius had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't ready.
He liked the idea of running off to Paris at a second's notice, he loved going out on Friday night and not returning until three in the morning. He liked to be able to make love to Pomona any moment of the day without having to think about anything at all.
Pomona understood this. She shared his thoughts on one side. She liked to sleep in on Sunday. She enjoyed watching films with the girls and not thinking about being home on time to nurse. She liked to go out with Filius on his surprise trips to Rome, Barcelona, Vienna.
Still, there was a void in her heart. Loving Filius alone was not enough. She almost burst with love and she couldn't help but feeling jealous of Minerva for being able to transfer all this love to a helpless, child.
Filius also said that Hogwart wasn't the place to raise a child. That they didn't have a lot of money. That being just the two of them was something to cherish.
Again all reasons that sounded very appropriate to Pomona. She did indeed cherish the love between her and Filius, the time they shared, just being together was enough most of the time.
The money was not an issue. They both had made money and Pomona had even started to save a special amount of money in case she would fall pregnant.
She never thought of getting pregnant without Filius blessings. Perhaps it was old fashioned, but she felt that a child needs a father and mother and preferably wanted by both. It was the only honorable way. Her honor now made her ache.
She had often talked to Filius, who had always told her that one day it would happen and that one day they would both feel what she already felt. He told her that he felt it as the greatest compliment given to a man to be told his wife wanted to give birth to his children.
Pomona often felt that if they had lived in different times, she would already have a decent amount of children. Saying that to Filius only made him laugh and say: “Thank you Poppy!”
Tears were streaming down Pomona's face, trickling on the pillowcase. She tried to cry silently as she kept on thinking: perhaps he doesn't love me, the way i love him. This is certainly possible. I love him so much, i can't bare the thought of ever losing him.
She turned to her side and looked at Filius sleeping form. the covers had slipped off his back and she pulled them back up. It was cold in the room, she had opened the window before closing the curtains.
She stroked his hair.
“ I love you...” she whispered unaudilby.
Again she turned to her back. The room wasn't as dark anymore. Her eyes were getting used to the minimum of light. She thought about the ideas she had about the nursery. About the names she had been thinking of. How she was going to tell the news to her parents. How they were going to break the news to his parents.
Pomona knew her own parents would be happy, in their own quiet way. They already had grandchildren. Pomona's two younger sisters had already started their families, as had her older brother. There was a whole clan of little Sprouts. Pomona's father had constructed a living tree to gain branches and leaves as the family expanded. Pomona only had a branch that intertwined with Filius. There were no leaves on it. It looked as lonely as she often felt.
Filius parents did't have any grandchildren. Their three boys were far apart in age and Filius was the eldest. Pomona could only imagine the face of her mother in law when she would tell her that she was expecting.
Pomona's eyes were starting to sting and her face felt sore from the salt that was drying. Suddenly, there was Filius hand on her curls.
“ Are you alright, sweetie?” he asked, his voice calm and quiet.
“ Hmm hmm.” she couldn't speak.
“ Because of the baby?” he sounded concerned.
“ You know me well...”
“ Of course i do. I am in love with you.” Filius slid against the flanel.
“You were so quiet when we were visiting Minerva, i was afraid you were angry.” Pomona turned her face towards Filius. The tears that had stained her face clearly visible in the dim light that was shining through the curtains. The moring was creeping up on them.
“I was contemplating fatherhood.” Filius responded and with his thumb he rubbed Pomona's cheek.
“Anything conclusive?” Pomona tried to sound light.
“No. But you can rest assured that the day you have been praying for is coming closer every day. You will make a fantastic mother to our children. Not this year. But after that... Who knows?”
This was the first time Filius had given any sort of timeframe. Pomona tried not to be too happy and laid her head on his chest. His heart was beating its steady pace.
“Try to sleep, darling. Try not to think about it anymore.” Filius stroked her arm.
“ I will keep you safe. I will always be with you. Try not to worry...”
His words lulled her into a deep, dreamless sleep. Her last coherent thought was about herself and Filius, looking at two young children running around the garden of their summer cottage.
Such a lovely story, sweetie.